January 3, 2013 by honest11
I went to a new therapist yesterday. I have been needing to switch for a long time but finally got the balls to do it.
I have been going to therapy for over a year now…and am now seeing my third therapist. ( But hey, it is the first this year. ) My first therapist I went to for a pretty long time but then when I finally told her I was gay, she told me that I have a disorder, that I will never be the woman that God wants me to be if I live the “gay lifestyle”, and wanted me to go to group conversion therapy. She asked if I would go if she went with me. Nope. #1 I spent years trying to convert myself… I even married a dude. What else can conversion therapy do that sex with a guy can’t? #2 Fuck that. I am done being someone I’m not. Also, to have another human being tell me that I will never be what God wants me to be… I call bullshit. How does she know who God wants me to be? I think I can actually be more of what God wants me to be, just by being more myself and being happy.
My second therapist was gay friendly… but she was far from ideal. She spent the majority of her sessions looking stuff up on her phone, and staring at me in awkward silence. I am not one to really talk without prompting so I found this therapist made me pretty uncomfortable. I don’t get short with people too often but I found myself getting short with her… or plain just not wanting to see her and always felt like I was wasting my time afterwards… so finally, yesterday I moved onto therapist number three.
So far, I feel way more comfortable with her and I actually trust her. Some of the things I was able to talk about the first day I couldn’t even talk about at all with my previous therapists. The only downside… I had to briefly talk about Amy… and I ALMOST cried. The kind of “almost cry” that is painful to hold in. I think she saw that I was holding back from crying and said “I bet there is some sadness here, we can talk about this when you are ready.” I was a little embarrassed for her to even notice that. None of my friends or therapists have ever seen me cry. I don’t want it to happen… I don’t want to cry in front of her but I feel like it is a good possibility, which scares me. Crying is like the ultimate feeling of vulnerability. Blah.
It is hard to imagine that I am on my third therapist. It is also hard to imagine that I don’t really think anything of going to therapy anymore. It used to be this weird stigma… like if you go to therapy you are admitting you are a nut job. Well, I am…but ya know what? Everyone is. Therapists are all the rage these days. Nearly everyone has one. I don’t think there is one person on this earth that couldn’t benefit from therapy.
Anyways, it’s my birthday, so I am going to go run and enjoy my day of existence.